The Mediation Process Gives People a Chance to Tell Their Stories
When California passed the first no-fault divorce law in the nation, the reasons for the divorce were no longer relevant. Seasoned practitioners know the importance of telling the “story” of the divorce. It is by listening to the most profound issues in a changing or ending relationship that healing and resolution begin. The deepest feelings of hurt, abandonment, anger, revenge and ambivalence need to be expressed and understood. It is the experienced mental health professional who can do this in the context of mediation of custody and visitation disputes.
The attorney who attempts to dismiss feelings of a parent in order to quickly resolve the legal issues may experience an impasse. An inexperienced attorney once made a serious error in a conference when she said “Don’t talk about what happened. The past is not important; we need to talk about the future.” It’s true that family law orders focus on what will occur in the future, but to dismiss the past as not being important is a disservice to clients and doesn’t recognize important parts of our lives. Mental health mediators are often able to help parents express important feelings as a prelude to resolving the parenting plan issues.
A Better Divorce – Divorce Without Court
Collaborative divorce is gaining the public’s attention. The movie “Juno” mentioned it as the “latest way of getting divorced,” and more prominent couples are choosing collaborative divorce. Roy Disney, Robin Williams and T.Boone Pickens were able to work out the terms of their dissolution, privately, respectfully, fairly. Contrast that with damage to the family in the case of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. In his book, A Promise to Ourselves, A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce, Baldwin writes a scathing account of his divorce, including harsh accounts of his lawyers and the court system. He does offer some good advice for persons contemplating divorce.
The billionaire, T. Boone Pickens, for his fourth divorce, chose collaborative divorce. He was so pleased with the process, not only did he work things out without going to court, he told a room filled with lawyers the “collaborative approach saves both money and emotional wear and tear on families.” When asked how much the collaborative approach saved him he said “several million.” He was so impressed he donated $100,000 to the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas (http://www.collablawtexas.com/). A California judge going through his own divorce has recently chosen Collaborative Divorce.
Emotions and Conflict Affect Attorneys
It is the emotional support aspect of the divorce that seems to drain the energy of family law attorneys. It is the attorney who seems to bear the brunt of the angry client. The attorney hears it all: the court, the judicial system, the unfavorable evaluation, the high costs, and the unfaithful parent. Many attorneys are attracted to collaborative law and excited about the prospects of practices that don’t require trials, hearings and depositions.
Child Custody Evaluators Too Difficult
In an introductory session for the Los Angeles Collaborative Family Law Association several years ago, at a gathering of over 60 members of the family law community, a highly respected psychologist admitted she had almost decided not to perform any more child custody evaluations. Despite the income, it was just too hard. Recommending parenting plans, figuring out how much time children should be with their parents, choosing between two caring parents—these are difficult issues. Many child custody evaluators are providing their services outside of court as child specialists in collaborative divorce.
Collaborative Divorce an Enhancement of Collaborative Law
Collaborative divorce is an enhancement of the collaborative law model. In addition to attorneys, this model includes the participation of financial and mental health professionals. In cases involving children, a child specialist assists the parties in developing a parenting plan. Coaches help with the emotional aspects of a divorce, and the financial professional representing neither party, provides information about the financial aspects of the divorce.
Putting Your Best Foot Forward v. Being Honest About One’s Limitations
A father, who may want to hide his ignorance of an infant’s needs during an evaluation, presents himself differently in collaborative divorce, and is more likely to be honest and seek the recommendation of a child specialist. It’s like being in a classroom and the teacher asking if everyone understands. We’re afraid to admit we don’t know if the consequences hurt. With the child specialist in collaborative family law, the parents know we’re there to help, not to judge. Because there is no report submitted to the court, parents are free to discuss their fears and concerns, without the fear that their admissions will be used against them.
Putting Your Best Foot Forward v. Being Honest About One’s Limitations
A father, who may want to hide his ignorance of an infant’s needs during an evaluation, presents himself differently in collaborative divorce, and is more likely to be honest and seek the recommendation of a child specialist. It’s like being in a classroom and the teacher asking if everyone understands. We’re afraid to admit we don’t know if the consequences hurt. With the child specialist in collaborative family law, the parents know we’re there to help, not to judge. Because there is no report submitted to the court, parents are free to discuss their fears and concerns, without the fear that their admissions will be used against them.
A Coach Helps a Father Learn: Complimenting Instead of Criticizing
A father desperately wanted joint custody of his young children. The mother had reservations because he had never spent much time with the children. He persisted in pointing out his strengths and her faults. In frustration, he criticized her parenting. She responded by threatening to seek sole custody. The coach suggested a break, and asked him what he really wanted. He said, “I want to be able to take care of my children; I need to spend time with them.” A different strategy was suggested. Rather than criticize their mother, he was advised to tell her she was a good mother and highlight the many things she did well. He did. “Mary, you have been a wonderful mother for our children. You have given them so much; you have taught them so much. You are a wonderful mother.” Her anger disappeared, and instead there were tears in her eyes. A therapeutic response would have been to recognize his anger and value as a father and address his basic feelings about being good enough. The coaching helps in different ways.
Mental Health Professionals and Attorneys
Most mental health professionals don’t like working with attorneys. They don’t like receiving letters from them; they don’t like talking to them. It’s because they don’t understand the role of the attorney. The attorneys in collaborative law are different. They have become tired of fighting; they don’t like having to do whatever it takes to “win.” They too feel like casualties of the divorce wars.
Collaborative family law provides a better way for attorneys and mental health professionals to work together. The best of both professions are available to the parents. Phone calls from attorneys are welcomed, and it’s rewarding being on the same team.